I could not stop myself but jump to write about this topic immediately after I returned from one of the hospitals I visit. When I left that clinic, in my car, this topic and its content kept on running inside my head. Actually, I jotted down some vague notes about it around a couple of months back, when first I got to think about it seriously. But today, I am actually drafting it for publishing here.
How it all started
Around two months back, when I came back from my hospital visit to a periphery town and switched on our television set, I was shocked on watching the news about a terrorist attack in Ahmedabad (for those who arw reading this and not from india; Ahmedabad is a big city in Gujarat state, India). The most shocking and terrifying was the fact that one of the blast places was the Civil Hospital of the city. I was not at all in a state to digest such kind of information at that time, as I was really tired from my day’s work. I changed the channel but could not stop myself from coming back to different news channels, that were broadcasting the news of the attack. I was curious to know more about it although the curiosity was fear dirven! Although I was scared, I continued watching the same clip on the channel repeatedly. My son was sitting besides me and playing with his toys. He looked at the TV and also the fear on my face. I realized and tried to divert him play with his friends.
The other family members also came to know about the news. We sat together and talked about it. We shared our opinions and discussed how to be safe in this period of terror. The fear inside me was then diluted!
The night went well. The next day was a Sunday and the newspapers were filled with the same event’s details. It was one in the afternoon. We(my son and myself) were returning back from his mathematics class in our car. We saw, near our house, a big crowd! It was unusual to see so many people and police collected at that place. We managed to reach our house passing through that mob. As my wife was arranging things for our lunch, I switched the TV on. The fact that I saw on TV made a current of fear pass through me. It was the fact that the place that we just crossed ten minutes before had a bomb lying there. The bomb disposal squad was working there to difuse it. I realized that we just passed by a place that could be our death bed!
The TV channels kept on broadcasting the news of finding bombs at different areas of our city for the rest of the day. Though it was Sunday, the malls and gardens were kept closed. We also remained inside our house and played indoor games with our son.
Days full of feelings and learning
I remained upset for the next whole week. It was because my mind went through different feeling states and finding effective ways to cope up with the fact and realization I gained. The common feelings for initial two to three days were of fear, panic, worry, insecurity, vulnerability and helplessness. Later on anger took over! It was directed towards terrorists, politicians, police and also towards the god! My mind was finding reasons to justify and accept the fact that the world is now an usecured and a vulnerable place to live. My ego defences were on their way to make me strong by rationalizing the fact and making me learn to forget the event by not giving it importance and telling me that, “look you are not directly affected! You are saved! So forget about it and start living.” My feelings were getting neutralized by this explanation and I was feeling less scared.
Although I was not frightend or scared three to four days after the event, I was not even as happy as my orginal self used to be before the incidence took place. I could not concentrate well on my work and the days used to end unproductively.
I think fear and anger got burried somewhere (unconscious!) inside my mind and they were superficially surfaced by the rationalization and neglect. My true self was not satisfied by the resolution I made with my experience.
Suddenly one day, an insight popped up!! I read many times before in different books about bringing love in place of fear. I never tried to actually apply that principle any time in my life and so could not make real sense of it. I decided to experiment by applying that concept in my this experience and see whether that really works or not.
continued in part 2.