What’s your way of living?Fixing or Expressing?
If you can not make sense of what I am trying to say, just go ahead and read the post.
I lived that way
It was my way of living. Fixing Myself! I lived that way for years. I worked very hard on myself. Yes, Hard On Myself!! I was never happy with whatever I created. I would search for the reasons to prove to me that the work could still be better!
It was comfortable
The process was somehow helping me survive with my Low Self-esteem. I believed deeply inside me that it was the Correct way of Living. I was always protected. No major difficulties. Yet, no excitement and no feeling of growth.
Every day was predictable. Even problems in life could be managed by Blaming Me! I could always find something inside me to Fix and then would spend days in correcting.
I believed that if I could learn how the mind worked I would overcome my Low Self-esteem. I did not realize for a long period that I was trapped by Myself! My mind was making me fool and I continued to remain in the state that was comfortable and known to me. Ofcourse, I did not have to face Change. I did not have to explore the Unknown.
I read lots of books on various psychotherapeutic techniques and applied them to Fix me. They worked partially in helping me. The fault was not with the techniques. I think it was my Mind who always came from the position of Lack. It always felt empty and would search for the reasons to justify the lack and then would work hard to Fix.
That was like, ‘Always striving and Never arriving!’ I think the positive aspect of my life during those days was that, somewhere inside me, outside my ‘Conscious Awareness’, I was looking for an experience that would cross the barriers of my habitual way of processing LIFE, and reach to the deepest part of Me, to shake me from the foundation, and create a Conscious Awareness to realize A New Way of Living (The last one is a long sentence. I know that. If you can not make sense by reading it once, I request you to read it again, till you can resonate with what I mean. If you can get it in one reading, it means I can express well by writing!!).
Death helped me realize ‘How to Live’
My Life started changing when I had experiences with Death! I realized the Eternity of My Existence when I had experiences of deaths of some of my close ones. It was not that I did not see anyone close to me dying before this. But, I think I was never ready ever before my last few head-ons with Death.
Yes, my foundation was shaken. I dived into and explored the idea of Me beyond my Mind and Body. I was becoming holistic! I realized that I was in the process of Fixing because I always ignored my Spirit. I realized that I could not live to my full potential if I ignored any of my three essential parts: Body, Mind and Spirit.
New awareness, new way of Living
I now look at the world with a new Insight. The insight that is very profound! I accept myself as a Spiritual Being first, then comes my Mind and Body. The person whom I admire a lot (Dr. Wayne Dyer) correctly states about this in his quote:
“We are not Human Beings having a Spiritual Experience; but Spiritual Beings having Human Experience!”
I now feel the need to express the spiritual self of mine through my mental processes and physical self. I feel connected to all human beings at a deeper level. I accept myself and all others as they are. I believe that everyone of us is on a journey of growth by learning from our life’s experiences. I see problems as opportunites (This is true! Ofcourse, I get upset. But, the discomfort does not last very long).
I see myself and all others coming from the same SOURCE. And so, I do not feel the need to Fix Myself. On the contrary, I now let the need to fix muself dissolve. Yes, I just let go! I believe that my life’s true purpose is to Express. Expressing my spiritual self through the tools of my Mind and Body. I believe that we are all unique. We all have our uniqueness to express. I now believe that my expression is my contribution to this world.
The obstacles help me polish my expression. They help me fine tune whatever I create, if I take them as Opportunities.
I am in the process of Ever Creating!
Over the course of time, now I have learned to choose a Creative Self-expression over the process of Fixing Myself. I have learned that the process of Fixing is Never Ending while the process of Self-expression is Ever Creating.
Now I have, in my opinion, healthy Self-esteem. I love Myself. I express Myself without a need to Fix Myself. Yes, I do reflect on what I have created. But now, I do not search for the reasons to make it better. Instead, I enjoy my work, celebrate its completion, reflect to get meaningful Insights and get back to Expressing more.
My way of living is: Creative Self-expression! I have Consciously chosen it!
(I sincerely look forward to your experiences. You can add value to this post by commenting below. If you have found some value by reading this, sharing with others will spread your Insight)