Resourceful Life » Parenting

Separation Anxiety: What To Do? (A Free Report attached)

sudeepshroff — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:30:30 +0000

Recently I was called by one of my parents clients and asked for an appointment. We had met around one and half year ago for their little cute daughter (around 6 years old) who could not effectively handle separation when she was sent to her school. Parents were explained and then she could manage to get adjusted with her school environment.

Now as she moved from a pre-school into her school years, the issue has once again re-surfaced. This time the severity is perceived to be more than the last time, as the school authority had called her parents and informed that she kept on crying and remembering her mother in the school. She would become alright after coming back home and would remain happy until night before going to bed when she would once again start having anxiety and would cry and ask her parents not to send her school.

Another kid that I had an opportunity to help him in the similar situation used to vomit in the school when he cried at his peak.

In my personal experience, when my son Aaryan had joined his pre-school, he also experienced separation anxiety which was more than average.

Most of us as parents know that these experiences are time-limiting and would go away as a child would continue to go to school. Yet getting overwhelmed, frustrated and tired is also a common occurrence. We are not taught to handle such situations. We may unknowingly make mistakes if if we don’t know what is appropriate for both of us (children and parents).

When you see your child crying to his or her peak, tears following on cheeks and tightly clinging to you, things become difficult to handle. The kid is really scared in this situation. Parents are perplexed and confused what to do. You may not let him separate from you for a day or two, but when you see that it is the pattern that is getting established, you worry how to fix it. You start doubting whether what you are doing is appropriate or not.

Few years back, I had prepared a small report (compilation of my understanding, suggestions and a support hand-out) that I would give to my clients for their reference. Some parents have found it to be very useful. It’s short and simple. Not at all detailed. Not at all technical. But quite useful as people have told me.

I want to share it with you too. You can download it and share with your friends and family. There is no opt-in required. You can post it wherever you feel that it will be helpful. Also your feedback is as always appreciated.

Download Your Free Report

Separation Anxiety – Parents Awareness Series

The final message in the report is worth mentioning here:

“Parenting is a skill to be developed, not a knowledge to be gathered!”

To Your Resourceful Life and Happy Parenthood,
Dr. Sudeep Shroff

Pareto’s Principle: 80/20 applied to Parenting

sudeepshroff — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 06:30:04 +0000

I have come across this principle when I read a blogpost by Yaro Starak on this subject. I might have heard about it before but did not have much influence on me.

Yaro is a strong believer and a real life applier of this principle.Another book that I am currently reading also mentions about it. It is by Timothy Ferris and titled as The 4-Hour Workweek.

I have now seen many articles on this subject and its application in the fields of Business, Productivity and Finance. I now notice the same working in my life too and I started learning to apply it to most of my activities. It does take efforts decondition yourself from old learning but yes if done, that is really useful.

What is this 80/20 stuff?

If you are unaware about this principle, have a short look below at its definition from Wikipedia. I won’t be describing it in detail here as I intend to write about my experience about it in parenting.

Taken from Wikipedia:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

It states in conclusion (very simple ofcourse!) that the 80% of our outcomes in any activity comes from 20% of our efforts. What has been very striking realization for me is that 80% of world’s wealth is controlld by 20% of people.

80/20 in parenting

I did not realize that it has been working for me in the relationship with my son untill one day I got its insight. I became aware about its presence and suddenly my approach changed.

Many people worry excessively about the fact that they are not able to spend enough time with their children and constantly blame themselves as they are not able to make arrangements for the same from their daily jam-packed schedules. I know mothers who are always at home and with their children, yet not able to create the relationships of mutual understanding with their children! The experience that I had in my life made me understand that it is not over-involvement and continuous attention that helps but creating powerful moments for some period of time that brings the results.

That is in my opinion 80/20 in parenting!

What patterns do you have?

As a parent, if you are constantly striving to help your child do better and anxious to give her more by onverindulging in her life; this may not be an effective strategy!

As my wife and I both are working and spend time away from our son, we do sometimes get the same thoughts popping in our mind; and the condioned-self of mine creates blame and makes me reconsider my life priorities. I know that my son tops the list of priorities in my life, still the pattern of worrying sometimes throws blame on you and perpetuate ineffective parenting patterns as you interact not from the position of love but from fearn, anxiety and apprehension.

An awareness can change your patterns

The awareness that I got on that day helped me feel better and hterafter, I have also started becoming more effective in dealing with my son.

I relaized that I had believed in my unconscious for a long, that a good child rearing can only happen if you spend more time with your child and be around him to support him as soon as he gets into any problem. I was working hard, most of the time, to get things done with him . It did not work out well that way.

The story is like this

My son remained upset and was not in his usual self for few days. I noticed that and it made me upset too. I started getting involved more and more with him to find out what was bothering him. I was anxious and impatient in dealing with him. My belief about spending more time with him in his difficult times made me act impatiently to get him back to his original mood. I was looking for the reasons for his being upset.

I asked him to go for a movie. I also insisted that we should play some board games together. I also said that if he could go to his friend’s place, he would feel better. I was working hard! Really!

After two to three days of hard work from my side with all good intention but coming from the position of anxiety and impatience, I was tired with myself. I put down all the efforts and did not have energy to contiue with anxiety, worries and impatience.

Then things changed

To my surprise, things started changing after that. As I just let the pressure go, I got some intuitive ways of dealing with the situation. I tried one and it worked.

I started reading his storybooks as he was busy playing games on his desktop. I got curious about one of the characters in a story book and asked him what he thought about it. He got interested and sat besides me.

Together, we got involved in the story. After sometime, he came out with the issue that was bothering him!

He was upset because he did not get a chance to play a role in a drama arranged at his school. He ventilated his feelings and felt relieved. He was back to his original self!

My insight

I relaized that there are only some powerful moments that are required for things to get OK. Even in parenting, you don’t need to keep persisting and pushing things hard to get better outcomes. Instead, you need to learn those 20% of interactions that bring the best out of your children.

By identifying those effective ways of getting things done and applying them can create 80% of our desired outcomes. Yes, that’s it! There is no need to get over-involved and keep pushing. Even though you try hard, there are only 20% of your efforts that are going to give you 80% of results.

So, the wisdom lies in finding those 20% efforts to be made. This frees up your mind and time both.

It is not much useful to continue doing same things just to persist and satisfy yourself that you are working hard; even though you realize that it is not creating much of the results.

20% activities with 80% output in parenting

What are those 20% of activities in parenting that can bring 80% of your outcome. These effrots help in strengthening 80% of our relationship with the child. I have thought of the following:

Remaining available, at least any one of the parents, at home when the child return back from school. I think that’s the time when she needs to share her experiences the most.
Learn to perceive when he is emotionally charged and show your willingness to help. Pushing hard at this moment, even though your intentions are good, may not help.
Playing one outdoor game, at least once a week for 30-40 min with your kid.
Remember names of his best friends and talk about them with him.
Identify his best game or play activity and get involved. Play together and ask with curiosity to learn from him.
If the child loves drawing, getting involved with him in drawing or a craft activity at least once in a week helps in strengthening the bond between children and parents.
For an adolescent, spending time in watching a movie of his choice and then talking about each other’s opinions really helps in knowing each other better

This list is not exhaustive. You can creatively and by being receptive to your intuitions find more of these activities.

You are invited to share your opinions and experiences in this matter in the comments section below.

Wishing you a Resourceful Life ahead,
Dr. Sudeep Shroff

I was amazed at his readiness

admin — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:24:56 +0000

On that day my son did not go to his school because he had been feeling ill for couple of days. He was initially ambivalent about his decision. However, when we agreed with him, he felt relieved!

We then got into general conversation about what to do on that day. We explored his book about the space. He tried to memorize the names of our planets. Then he suddenly asked,

“Pappa, what is there above the space?”

The preposition ‘above’ made me curious & confused. I sought clarification by asking,

“what do you mean by ‘above’? There is not ‘above’ but the concepts of ‘all around’ as the earth is a sphere.”

He clarified that he was curious to know what was there beyond the blue sky that we could see outside his bedroom’s window.

I explained that the universe is made up of many galaxies, out solar system & many other things ( Iactually did not have an idea how to explain about those other things to that five and a half years old curious kid).

I looked at his face. I felt that he was exploring in his mind something very serious and deep. He asked,

“Pappa, what happens when we die?!”

I was surprised to see his readiness to explore this metaphysical concept at such an early age. Even many people at 50-60 years of age do not have this readiness. I gained an insight -the question & the curiosity about our life and death is with us since our birth. However, we burry them inside us and do not attempt to explore it with open mind. We avoid thinking and exploring about death, though that is the final stop for all of us in our journey called life. I think it is because we do not have the evidence based answers of whta happens when we leave this planet. As it remains unanswered inside us, it surfaces often in the form of ‘Fear of Death’.

For few months, I had been myself exploring this issue in depth. So, I felt that I was well equipped to handle his queries when my son and asked showed his readiness to induge into it. I answered him,

“Dear son, we all have unseen force or energy inside us. What we perceive as this body is one of the forms of energy tha present everywhere. It is the same force that makes a plant grow. and birds fly. It is the same force that help us breath and our hearts beat without our efforts. When we die this energy leaves our body & mixes up with the universe.”

I do not know and do not have any validation that i answered him correctly. I think there is no correct answer for this! It occured to me spontaneously at that time and so I told him the same.

His queries got deepen,

“so we are not our bodies but this energy?! Is it true?.”

He continued,

“I feel that we are our minds! Everything that our body does is because our mind instructs it! See… I want to stand up and so my limbas make me stand”

On that moment, I was amazed!! I realized that this valuable awareness is inborn!! We, due to social conditioning & so called materialistic maturity, lose the connection with this higher awareness. We identify with our physical self and ignore our non-physical aspects like our thoughts, feelings, intentions and imaginations. We seek for the truth outside ourselves while that awareness is inside us since birth.

My five and a half year son helped me gain this valubale insight on that day! I documented it in my notes the same night and now posting it here for you. Truly, he is my best teacher!

Being a parent

sudeepshroff — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:50:25 +0000

When my wife first gave me the news that she was pregnant, I felt that I was not ready to be a father. This is true! I thought that I was not responsible enought at that time to be a father.

My wife was happy and excited. I had doubts about my abilities to raise a child.

Somehow my wife motivated me and I was ready to accept the fact that someone was coming into our world. He would call me ‘father’ and would learn the lessons of life from me! I had entered into a new stage of life.

From that moment onwards, I had decided to become a committed parent.

I shall be adding more posts to this category gradually. However, today I am posting here an article that I had written for my child’s school magazine. This was written around one and a half year before this date. It suddenly popped up into my mind today morning. I feel that it is worth sharing. Please note that the ideas in the article are the thoughts and feelings of mine and are eighteen months older. After that, I have grown up in this area and I shall be adding my current experiences and insgihts too in coming posts.

So please read further and comment: (if you find that it is too long, please have patience. Just read on; if you are a committed parent, you shall find important insights from it. You may also notice a diffenrence in my writing style then and now.)

How can I be the parent I want to be?

We all love our children. We wish to give them all the happiness. We all wish that they succeed in this complex, rapidly changing & highly competitive world. However, let me tell you that just by loving & wishing we cannot make dreams for our children come true.

So what is that which can make the difference?

We can not be perfect but we can surely remain committed

I see with myself and with many of my client parents that in spite of love, care & dreams; living a life of an ‘Effective Parent‘ is some times difficult. It is a fact that even if we want to give the best to our children, it is not possible to deliver it all the time. So let us first accept that ‘it is ok’ to have hours or days when we can not be our ‘true-parentselves‘. However, we can be committed to become more effective every day.

Commitment keeps us on the track

Nobody teaches us how to parent our children. We have learned many parenting styles just randomly and so it is very likely that it may not work all the time. When we are committed to be ‘the parent we want to be’, we search for better ways of doing our parenting. We do not get discouraged when things go wrong. We do get disturbed for a moment, but then, after a while, our commitment gets us back on our path.

Skill building

For parenting, it is not only the knowledge of what to do that is important but actually applying what you know, learning from the feedback you get & making changes in our approach , that really works! It is a skill to be developed, not the knowledge to be gathered! Many times, we read good books about parenting and then conclude after few weeks that it does not work in our case. Let us understand that we cannot learn driving a car, playing tennis or even doing our business just by reading books. The same is for parenting. It is a skill to be developed & it can be done only by doing, learning from doing, refining & fine-tuning our approaches and then applying them again. The more you do with this attitude, the better will be the parenting style in the long run.

Specific expectations generates focused actions

Many times, we are not ‘specific’ about what we want for our children. We have a vague idea that OUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE GOOD. But what do you mean by ‘GOOD’? Here I am trying to emphasize on the specificity of our expectations or dreams. The more specific we are about what we want to see developing in our children, the more specific our actions would be & then things will start manifesting in real life.

Parenting is like gardening

We also need to see what fit better with the temperament & present likings of our children. As parents, we are not building a house with the plans we have designed, but in stead, we are gardening a plant which has its own potential to grow provided it is timely & appropriately nourished. We can not force a plant to grow in a particular fashion; we can just trim it, guide it & enjoy the process of growing & developing. So, we are in the process of gardening not in the process of building a non-living house!

Flexibility and creativity

21st century is the time where the world changes rapidly than ever before in the history. In this age of information, lack of an access to information is not a problem. The problem is how to handle, organize & use from easy to available loads of information. With this, parenting our children also has changed. The styles & methods, which have worked few decades ago, are not always useful or sometimes counter-productive in this era. Flexibility & creativity are the most needed traits for the parents of today than ever before. Cultural values, which we live with for years, may not always be appropriate & will not easily be accepted by our children due to the effects of globalization. We need to be more flexible as we will have to change more often & faster to match frequency with our children. Parenting needs to be more creative as today’s solutions will not work tomorrow! What has worked for ‘A ‘may not work exactly for ‘B’.

So, In short, we can be the parents we want to be if

we value unconditional love for our children the most & remain committed to learn, grow & develop with changing time.
We clarify & become specific about our outcomes.
We respect the individuality of our children & design our ways of parenting accordingly.
We accept difficulties as a part of the process & become more flexible & creative in parenting styles.

I believe that truly committed & unconditionally loved parenting is a basic need of every individual. If lived, we and our children feel fulfilled!!

Thanks for investing time till the end.